I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
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Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
fired
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa