Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot