Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
You Might Also Like
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW