I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.