My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
You Might Also Like
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
WHO DID THIS?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I really had high hopes for this year though
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon