Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.