*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
You Might Also Like
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
*skinny dips into black hole
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.