Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
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Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.