Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.