*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
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I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
What is going on? 😅
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
same energy
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.