Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
When he asks for feet pics
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.