Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
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I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.