Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
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Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.