Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)