i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
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We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
That’s fair
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.