All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
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If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Hank is one in a melon.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????