me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Most fashion shows these days…
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
how to exercise your calf muscles
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.