Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
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Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.