modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark