Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Haha good job!!
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.