“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me My dog
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.