8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie