My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
You Might Also Like
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
monday
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.