me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married