*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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*has no idea what a book even is*
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
a public service announcement
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
We need to put an American base on the sun
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.