Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁