Education is vital
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Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.