America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
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5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
God, I love Scotland
❤️🦆
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
This probably isn’t good
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.