People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.