No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
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Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.