I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
it be like that
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.