WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
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I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
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