The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.