Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit