My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Needless to say…*
*mic drop