“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
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Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit