Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.