*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
You Might Also Like
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.