My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
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I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…