Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
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[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there