My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.