You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti