i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]