will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
everyone has that one prude friend
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air