Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”