“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?