Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Good point.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed