*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Dude just wanted a popsicle…
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.