That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
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My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.