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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Mornin. * use accordingly
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
yeah no that’s fair
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently